When we got the call we didn't expect you to come. We were expecting the call before you. So my heart already knew you weren't coming. And then you came. Pink blanket, tiny pink pjs and the pink piggie. We weren't expecting a girl, we were told you were a boy. When we got the call around 11pm that you were in fact coming in the next 2-3 hours I expected a rough tumble-y boy. But instead you came. Tiny. Too tiny for your age.
You were so fragile. We held you constantly. And then we knew we had to gently transition to not being held all the time. So we handed you toys and you had no idea what to do with them. You slept, cuddled and ate. You would sleep for hours and hour and hours and still sleep 12-13 hours at night. People kept telling us how "lucky" we were. Yes, because having a child with trauma is so lucky. We knew you weren't sleeping so much because of luck but because of escape.
We bonded with you quickly. It made me nervous how attached you were growing to us. It didn't seem right, I talked with another foster mama who let me know it was okay and that you were comfortable and knew you were safe.
The reactions you have had are ones that break me over and over and over. Reactions out of what you've been through, what you have witnessed. Which are things we will never know.
I don't know what the future will bring. What court will bring in August and then again in November. I don't know how to handle your hurts. And I don't know if we'll be together forever. But what I do know is our hearts match. Our skin is so different, but our hearts match.
When we started this foster care journey I read that somewhere and in my head that made sense but now I really know the meaning. Now I know what's it's like to know that with my heart.
Katie is a 30 year old mama to three children, twins that are 9 and a 4 year old. She has been married to her husband, Douglas for 10 years. They have been foster parents for 2 1/2 years.