What NOT to Say to Foster Adopt Moms

Have you ever been approached and had THE WORST thing said to you, your kids, or your situation?

We posed this question to our Instagram followers and got some great responses.  Those of you foster or adopt will surely be able to commiserate with some of these stories.  And if you haven't fostered or adopted, then consider yourself in for a humorous and enlightening lecture.

You're so amazing for fostering.

"So many talk about how "amazing" I am for fostering.  I feel like I'm put on a pedestal, and it just makes me feel like a fraud.  Because, inside, my heart is a mess. My house is a mess. I yell, I cry, eat eat cereal for dinner and don't shower everyday.  It's a daily struggle.  I rarely feel like I'm ding the best I could be...I am no better mom than you are.  I'm not a better person.  i'm just going about motherhood a different way than you." --Sarah

"It frustrates me that people think we are all amazing saints who can do it on our own.  Sometimes I just need someone to bring by dinner on a visitation day, or hold the baby so I can spend one on one time with my other child (and vice versa)...I wish that friends and family were more aware that we aren't saints and that we need help-from them!"  --Suzanne

I could never do that.  I could never foster.  I would get too attached.

"Guess what, we get attached.  We are not special people who have the ability to love and care for kiddos 24 hours a day and not get attached to them.  What we are is flawed human beings who have realized that we can handle loving and getting our hearts broken because ourselves deserve it." --Melissa

"If I can do it then so can anyone else.  They just don't want to.  And that's okay to."  --Stasi

"I know people don't necessarily mean it, but it always stings a little as if we don't love them or get attached.  I've worked so hard to show grace and kindly respond that it isn't about us, and it is hard, but we love them with everything we can." --Allison

"My husband and I had to end our foster placement prematurely because we had an unplanned move out of state.  After two months of searching for a foster home, there was no place available for her to go.  At that point, I had a very hard time with all the people who would say to me, 'I want to foster but I'm waiting to...(own a house, pay off debt, etc.).'  I know the intent of those comments were well-meaning but I always wanted to shout, 'Well our girl needs a home now!'" --Erin

"I'm so sick of people saying they could never do it because they'd get too attached.  I've started responding, 'I used to think that too until I realized it's not about my heart, it's about the kids' heart." --Sarah

Why is he/she in foster care?

"It should be wider public knowledge that the child's case is confidential.  We can't share."  --Suzanne

"I know people are curious, but if it doesn't affect you, you don't really need to know unless we share with you."  --Candace

"'Where is he from?' drives me insane.  I don't know what you mean and am not inclined to answer if I could figure it out." --Katief

"I totally understand the curiosity, but I'd rather not have to create the awkwardness of saying, 'sorry, we're not really supposed to talk about that.'"  --Caitlin

Referring to an interracial adoptive family.

"I've been asked, 'Where are they from?' referring to our two black foster girls.  I think I just looked at him like he was stupid.  I've also been told by family that we should not adopt our girls because 'they need to be with their kind.'  That really irritated me.  They didn't choose their skin color, nor did they choose to be in foster care.  We do choose to love them and treat them like our daughters regardless the outcome.  Some people just don't realize how much their words can sting!"  --Audrey

"I had a family member tell me that it would be better for my two to be placed back with their black relatives becasue they'd better know how to handle black kids.  If God gave me these children, then I think we can make it work.  Also, until I've been raising two black babies I was oblivious to the racism that they do experience."  Sarah

"The funniest thing said to me:  'Are you going to tell them they are adopted?'  My husband and I are white, my kids are African American.  They are going to figure it out at some point." --Kimberly

Don't compare my foster/adoption placement with your experience adopting an animal.

"After learning I am a foster parent, please don't go on in great detail about the time you adopted a cat." --Jen

"There was once a woman who said, 'I'd love to foster, but we just adopted a cat.'" --Erin

What about you?  What was the worst thing you ever heard?  What was the funniest thing?  Let us know in the comments below!  Or join the conversation on our Instagram account; we'd love to have you there.