The day you and your family have been waiting for and with all the anticipation it's finally here... The Adoption day.
I mean you went through fire just to get there. It was a beautiful day, they are orphans no longer and they are "yours". Then it hit me like of ton of bricks; what I had envisioned in my head and what it would be like was not even close. I mean you go through all the training classes and have all the social worker visits, it was here and real. We aimed to be in this pace of adoption and yet it actually became harder one it was final, I started second guessing myself and everything we just did. We took in three boys and in one year they were ours. Still all the issues we faced and they were having didn't go away. But I thought once this adoption happened they would. They actually stuck out more and became so much more prevelant. I now had to really take in the fact that I was the one responsible over them for the rest of their lives and that became overwhelming. But adoption is what we knew God wanted us to do.
Or... did we want to do it? I sank into what I call anxiety of post partum adoption. I didn't like who I was becoming. My new family we just entwined was really bringing out the ugly in myself. Did I really think I was capabale of doing this? It brought grief and sorrow of what once was, the life we used to have and it wasn't easy to tell you the truth. I now had three little boys who had no idea what was going on around them and we are all trying to bond and it isn't happening. You see it all around, in pictures, movies, blogs and adoption looks amazing and you feel like you are saving the world in a way. When you closed the doors to our home I would cry myself to sleep some days. Why wasn't I loving my kids like should? I mean loving the orphan sounds so nice in the Bible. God says to love them. That should be easy to love a child. My three boys had gone though so much and now I had to help them get though it. And for me I could barely get through most of my days as a new mom of six. I get it now, those exhausted, spent and downright wore out Mama's who have adopted are literally just hanging on by a thread and have been through more than they want to say to protect these little ones.
Their stories and what they go through isn't ours to tell.
I can only speak of what our adoption story before and after looked like.
I see you, Mama, no one see's you or what you are doing in that little one's life, the one who won't let you in and that test every part of your being. God sees you and you are leaving an imprint in your new child's life. I know everyone will have a opinion about your journey and how you should be doing it. Remember you are the one living it and know what goes on when no one is around. I would encourage you to seek counseling before, during or after you have taken this new journey on. If you see my pictures on social media sometimes or I write about it in my blogs and what we have struggled with. Writing has been an outlet for me. Counseling really helped me and my family and some of my children. I had to know that I wasn't going crazy and I had to work on my own issues. Listen to me adoption is exactly what is says. Adopting something into your life that you have to learn to take in the good, the bad and the ugly. That is why it doesn't happen more because who wants to go there? Who wants to interrupt the life they have going? I used to think everyone should adopt a child, now I would be scared because most couldn’t. Yet everyone can do something for the fatherless. I was asked to write about this topic and I was nervous because you open up something and you don't know how people will respond. Going through what I did was part of my story, although adoption didn't look like what I pictured. God knew what our family adoption story would look liked and I trust him.
Keep yourself in an adoption community to surround yourself with the ones "who get it". I don't know what I would do without some of the women in my life. The days can be hard and yet when the good ones are good they are so good. If you are feeling like this; know it’ okay, you are still a great Mom, woman, friend, wife and/or sister. God knew this would be hard that's why he asks for us to do it because he knew loving the orphan would take work, love and dedication. Again I say you aren't alone and you are still a Great Mom. You will get though this, Like my pastor said "Anyone who adopts gets a free pass into heaven in my book" My family has come a long way and in three years we are just now getting each other I would move mountains for my children. My boys are getting a little older and they are starting to understand adoption and what it means. They know they were chosen and we fought for them and will continue to fight for them and will forever be in their corner. Much Love to you that chooses to be the fighter and go through it. The process and what you go through to get there will never be lost or a waste. It will always be worth it.