by Katie

I had just walked into the room where we meet for mom's group.
On Sundays it's the room for the kindergarten through second graders.
It's the room the kids practiced for the christmas choir last year.
It's the room we talked with our older two about baptism.

I sat down and started to drink my coffee, which is such a treat.
The sitting down + drinking hot coffee.

Anyway, my phone rang.
Across was the name of our agency.
For a second my heart stops a beat.
Knowing this could be a situation I have to say no.
Or yes.

Knowing that this could send me into a fit of tears saying no.
Or that it could completely wreck my life (in a good way).

Then I write down the list.
The list that says these kids are a variety of things.
Destructive. Active. Kind. Defiant.
A list. That's what it is.
This list I have to read into, yet to know that this is the whole child.
And then I have to decide.
I have to decide what our family can say yes to.
Not just me.
My husband, and each of my three biological children.
Today I had to say no to three, but said yes to one.

Then we wait. And wait.
Gosh, the waiting is like agony.
I try to fill it with prayer & cleaning.
I try to keep my mind busy but all I can think about is that precious child.
It's this tug of war in my heart.

This I want to be excited but not too excited..... just in case.
To remember it's all in God's timing.

- - - - - - - - -

And sometimes you wait for days...six days to be exact and receive the call the the county chose another family. So all the trying to contain your hope mixed with some dreaming gets slammed shut. Here's what I know. It's ok to grieve. It's ok to cry over a child you've been praying for and falling in love with that you've never even met. 

I know God's plans are bigger than mine, but sometimes it just hurts. 

Katie is a 30 year old mama to three children, ages twins that a 9 and a 4 year old. She has been married to her husband, Douglas for 10 years. They have been foster parents for 2 1/2 years.